Plot
[ Theme Song]
[Alexis was seen walking through the door of the house, when suddenly a red flash passed in front of her. She was caught off guard, and then turned to the direction of it, seeing Fasttrack.]
Fasttrack: God. God damnit! Where is it?!
Alexis: What are you- [almost knocked over by Fasttrack zooming by her] Ugh… looking for?
Fasttrack: Swords. Dragons. Bows. Shouts. [zooms out of room] Where is it?!
[Alexis followed him, and saw him digging through his closet.]
Alexis: Mind telling me what’s got you so worked up?
[Fasttracked turned around to look at her.]
Fasttrack: Skyrim. I need it. I haven’t played in weeks. I’m dying of withdrawals.
[Alexis facepalmed and sighed.]
Alexis: Jesus The universe’s most powerful device on his wrist and he dies of not playing a video game for a while.
Fasttrack: You wanna run that by me again, Succubus? You wanna not get fed tonight?
Alexis: You’ve done enough “running by” for the both of us.
[Fasttrack zoomed by her again, and screamed with excitement. He held the game case up.]
Fasttrack: THANK THE NINE DIVINES!
[Fasttrack transformed back and opened the case, only to find it empty. He fell to the ground, with tears streaming down his face.]
Alan: I was so damn close.
[Alexis turned and walked to the television and console. She opened up the disk tray.]
Alexis: Hey, dumbnuts, it’s right here.
[Alan turned his head, then zoomed by her again and put the disk into the console, closing the tray, and the game began.]
Alexis: Why are you so obsessed with this game anyways? I mean, I love it too, but it’s not like anything gets added to it anymore. No DLCs. No updates.
Alan: You know what, you’re right. But instead of an update… how about an Upgrade?
[Alan activated the Simplicitrix and slammed it down. Red and black matter went over his arm and around his head. He spun around and a red flash occurred, showing Upgrade. He merged with the console. Alexis picked up the control and sat in front of the television.]
Alexis: Please tell me neither of these joysticks are your joystick.
Upgrade: You bet one of them is. Let’s see how well I fix this game up.
[Alexis controlled the character in the game, who shot out blasts of energy from his hand, blasting the strange, golden, robotic creatures. Suddenly, one of them shot electricity from behind, hitting the character. The electricity went around the console, along with Upgrade, and down the wire, around the controller, and around Alexis. With the two screaming in pain, a red flash occurred, and both of them disappeared. The scene changed to the area within the game. A purple and a red orb both appeared and then disappeared, leaving Alexis, dressed in a red and black outfit, and Upgrade. They looked at each other and looked around.]
Alexis: Where the hell are we?
[Suddenly, Alexis was tackled by one of the creatures from earlier. It looked at Upgrade and shot electricity at him, shocking him and forcing him to the ground. Alexis pushed the creature off of her and then went to reach for it. Her hand suddenly glowed red and shot energy out. The energy drew health from the creature, and healing her. It was then killed. Alexis got up, and her eyes widened with realization. She turned to Upgrade, who managed to regain his composure.]
Alexis: Alan… Is that what I think it is?
Upgrade: No way…
[Upgrade shapeshifted his body over all the parts of the creature, pulling them back together as he merged with it. He walked around a bit before unmerging with it, then blasted it with a laser from his eye.]
Upgrade: Oh, fuck yes. Fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes!
[Suddenly, two pipes against the wall opened up, with a golden spheres falling out of each. The spheres opened up, revealing to to have a humanoid upper body and blade hands. Upgrade looked at them, and stretched his arms at them. His hands merged with each, and caused them to shut down.]
Upgrade: This is fucking great! It feels like some really fucked up episode of It’s Always Sunny.
[It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia theme song plays.]
Alexis: This is fucking horrible. We could die. For all we know, the game doesn’t respawn us. We don’t belong here. We’re real people, not coding.
[Upgrade looked at the audience.]
Upgrade: That’s what you think. Anyways, we should have some fun while it lasts.
Alexis: What? No, we need to lea-
Upgrade: Come on, Serana.
[Upgrade walked down a nearby hallway, Alexis reluctantly following him. They entered a large circular chamber. Steam loudly began shooting out of the side of the chamber. The two looked in the direction of the sound, and saw a giant golden robot coming alive. It looked at them and began approaching.]
Alexis: Alan…
Upgrade: I got this.
[Upgrade ran to the robot, and jumped on it, beginning to merge with it. A beeping was heard as a red flash occurred, Upgrade having transformed back into Alan, who was wearing white armor with maroon details.]
Alan: Fuck.
[The robot flung Alan off of him, hitting him against the wall. Alexis put her hand out and shot the red energy at the robot.]
Alexis: I could use a bit of help here.
[Alan slowly got up, grunting as he went. He pulled a bow from his back, aimed, and fired. The robot glowed yellow and caught fire.]
Alan: Thank god for Auriel’s bow. Er, thank… Akatosh? Is that the right one?
Alexis: [still firing red energy] I thought your archery was total shit.
Alan: [readies arrow] Maybe in real life… [shoots again] My archery is damn near a hundred in the game, though.
[The robot neared Alexis, and raised its arm. The entire seen slowed as Alan shot another arrow. The camera followed the arrow, showing it hit the final blow on the robot, knocking it over. The two ran over to it and Alan collected his arrows from it.]
Alexis: Teamwork, right there.
Alan: Okay, maybe you’re a bit right about this being bad.
Alexis: A bit? The fucking centurion almost killed us!
Alan: Alright, alright. I’ll just go Upgrade again and get us out.
[Alan activated the Simplicitrix, and the circle hologram popped up. However, the alien icons were missing.]
Alexis: What the fuck? Where the fuck are all the aliens? You were Upgrade two minutes ago!
Alan: Probably some fuckshit mechanic to move this episode’s story along. Hold on.
[Alan’s outline glowed white and stars appeared on his body, which seemed to gain the appearance of a galaxy.]
Alexis: What are you doing?
Alan: Checking my levels and perks and shit.
[The scene showed Alan’s point of view. Different constellations were shown, rotating around him, until the rotation ended. An image of the Simplicitrix appeared above it.]
Alan: There we go. I have one perk available. Let’s see here.
[The camera zoomed in on the lowest star in the Simplicitrix. Text appeared above it.]
Alan: “Muscle Exercise: Unlocks all strength transformations.” Fairly bland, but at least we get someone. Use perk.
[The star changed from blue to orange. The constellations faded away as Alan’s body turned back to normal. Alan activated the Simplicitrix and the icons of his strength based aliens appeared in the rotunda.]
Alan: That’s better. We need to get out of here and find somewhere safer so we can figure out what to do about this.
[The two turned to the end of the chamber, and saw another, smaller chamber with a lever on the floor. The scene changed to outside, with a tower showing the same interior. The gate of the tower opened up and the two walked out. The camera panned backwards and around, showing a large, black dragon with red eyes watching them from a cliff a few miles away.]
Dragon: Dovahkiin. Ok buld lost vuldak ruzun un usliik korost. Ol lost. Kusah vrah.
[The scene changed to inside an inn, showing Alan drunkenly dancing around and singing.]
Alan: Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin, wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vall, ahrk fin norok paal graan, fod nust hon zindro zaan, Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!
[Alan fell into a seat as the group in the inn clapped. Alexis walked up to him.]
Alexis: Are you done yet? We’ve kinda got to go.
Alan: Listen [hiccups] I’ll go when I’m damn good and [hiccups] ready! I’m not enough [hiccups] levels to get Upgrade anyway! [hiccups]
[Alexis rolled her eyes and grabbed Alan by the ear, dragging him out of the inn. She dragged him to a rock wall, where part of it opened. The two went inside and it closed behind them.]
Alan: OW. Goddamnit.
Alexis: Come on. We need to do things to level you up so you can get Upgrade back. We need to leave, we shouldn’t be here.
Alan: [staring at the hole in the chest area of the armor Alexis was wearing] Do we really need to leave, though?
Alexis: [notices Alan’s stare] Dude, you see so much more than this on a regular basis. We need to go.
Alan: Fine. Let me see how much longer we have to go.
[Alan’s body again turned celestial.]
Alan: Let’s see. Electric aliens, water aliens, fire aliens… Ahh! Mechanical aliens! Top right corner!
Alexis: That will take us ages.
Alan: This will be simple. This Simplicitrix tree doesn't take much to level up, and I know three people we can fight against to do this.
Alexis: Who?
Alan: A vampire, a dragon, and the Dragonborn.
Alexis: You don’t mean…
Alan: Oh yes. Let’s get this over with.
[The camera zoomed out, showing Alan and Alexis on the screen of the television, walking out of the cave they were in. A sparking noise was heard, as Negative Nanomech flew into view. He turned around and flew out from the space above the door. In the midst of flying, he was caught between two orange and white masses. The camera zoomed out, and showed Devin had caught him.]
Devin: I don’t think so.
[An aqua flash was seen from between his hands. A large, purple and pink, crystalline alien forced himself out of Devin’s grip.]
Negative Alien: Trying to stop me is futile, Lorenzo.
Devin: We’ll see about that, Porygon.
[Devin shot electricity at Richard. The electricity went over his body, and changed to multiple colors. Worry filled Devin’s eyes.]
Negative Alien: Whatever is the matter? Alan never use this alien, or has he been keeping you in the dark about aliens again?
Devin: Shut up! He doesn't have to say anything about his aliens to me!
Negative Alien: Some friend he is, don't you think? There must be aliens he's gone that you don't know about...
Devin: It doesn't matter!
Negative Alien: In that case, it won't matter that it could've prevented this!
[Richard focused the energy into his hands, and shot it at Devin. It surrounded Devin, and forced him to the ground, crying out in pain. Richard stopped, and Devin grudgingly looked up at him, as he put his hand in front of his face.]
Negative Alien: Consider this mercy for removing your pain.
[Richard focused the energy into his hand again. Suddenly, his hand was covered by a white substance. He turned to the source, and saw Mason on the wall. Mason shot webs at his face and other hand. Richard grunted, and melted the webbing. Mason jumped at him, only to be blasted back by Richard’s energy. Richard reached out and grabbed both Mason and Devin by the head, picking them up.]
Negative Alien: I was planning on leaving you two alive, but you’ve gotten in my way. No longer.
[The sound of metal was heard. Richard dropped Devin and Mason, then turned around, and saw Jessica had attempted to stab him with her katanas. Richard grabbed both katanas, and his hands began glowing, melting the katanas. He then put his hands on her shoulders.]
Negative Alien: No. Killing any of you three would be foolish. His rage would be unstoppable then. It will have to wait.
[Richard focused his energy onto Jessica, and she fell to her knees, screaming in pain. Richard let go, and she fell to the ground. He transformed into Negative Fasttrack, and ran off. The camera panned down, showing the three lying unconscious on the floor. The scene changed back to in game, showing Alan and Alexis arriving at a castle on an island via boat. They got out and looked at the castle.]
Alan: Castle Volkihar. Even bigger and more beautiful in person.
Alexis: You got Auriel’s Bow?
Alan: Yeah… Never thought it’d actually be me using it, though. Ready?
Alexis: As ready as I’ll ever be if I was ever ready.
[The two walked inside as the scene changed to the cathedral. Inside, there was a humanoid figure with glowing orange eyes. He was wearing royal-looking black and red armor. He turned around to face them.]
Alan: Harkon. Looking for something?
[Alan spun around, revealing Auriel’s Bow on his back, taunting Harkon.]
Harkon: Auriel’s Bow. Give it to me!
Alan: What, so you can use your daughter’s life to rule the world and ruin the sun? I don’t think so.
Harkon: You dare defy me?! I am Lord Harkon! All vampires bend to me!
Alan: There are exceptions to every rule.
[A small, orange bottle appeared in Alan’s hand. He pulled the cork out and drank the liquids, then threw the bottle on the ground, shattering it.]
Alan: You ain’t getting shit.
[A dark cloud charged at Alan, carrying him to the small balcony above where the conversation had been taking place. Alexis looked up, and saw the cloud change into Harkon’s vampire lord form.]
Harkon: You will do well to respect me, Dovahkiin!
Alan: Why’s that? You’d just kill me after you were done with me, too!
[A red flash occurred, and Rath, dressed in dark brown pants with no shirt, the Simplicitrix on his belt, broke free of Harkon’s grasp. A large, blue bottle appeared in his hand. He threw it in the air, and caught it with his mouth, breaking the glass, and consuming the drink. He growled, then burped loudly, in a roar-like manner.]
Alexis: Oh, this is gonna go well.
Harkon: You call yourself vampire, but you transform into something foreign and inferior.
Rath: LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING LORD HARKON, LORD OF THE VAMPIRES OF THIS WORLD. YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN AROUND, ACTING LIKE YOU’RE THE SUPERIOR ONES WHILE I’M THE INFERIOR ONE? WELL GUESS WHAT! [burps loudly] I… AM THE SUPERIOR ONE AROUND HERE. IF YOU WANNA PICK A FIGHT WITH RATH THEN YOU’VE ALREADY STARTED ONE BY YAPPING OUT WITH YOUR BIG LOUD MOUTH, OH AND BY THE WAY… I BET EVEN IF I DID GIVE YOU AURIEL’S… AURIEL’S… HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU PRONOUNCE IT… HIS BOW… YOU COULDN’T USE IT ANYWAYS!
[Harkon and Alexis looked at each other.]
Harkon: Did you understand any of that?
Alexis: Nope.
Harkon: [aggravated sigh, looks at Rath] I’ll assume that was meant to be an insulting speech, Dovahkiin. You should remember your place.
[Harkon charged at Rath. Rath quickly slid under him to dodge him, then slid off Auriel’s Bow and quiver, which were both caught by Alexis. Rath then turned and grabbed Harkon’s cape, pulled him close, then pinned him to the ground. Alexis ran up to his side.]
Rath: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHOOT HIM!
Alexis: I’m getting there, damn. Stupid Khajiit.
[Alexis aimed the bow and arrow at Harkon. The arrow went into Harkon’s shoulder, as he cried out in pain. White energy surrounded both Rath and Harkon, as Rath was blasted back and through the door of the cathedral. A red flash occurred from under the rubble. A few moments later, the rubble was moved and Alan was lifted up. He opened his eyes, and saw he was helped up by a bearded man dressed in grey with a cloth wrapped around his face over his eyes, as well as a dark elf with orange eyes.]
Alan: Dexion… Garan. Oh thank go- I mean uh… Molag Bal. Where’s Ale- Er, Serana?
Garan: Still in the Cathedral with Lord Harkon.
Dexion: Are you alright?
Alan: Harkon, Auriel’s Bow, thinks Alexis is Serana. That’s not good.
[Alan ran to the broken door and forced it open, standing in the doorway of the cathedral, with Garan and Dexion to his sides. Harkon was seen, back in his normal form, attempting to ready Auriel’s Bow, with Alexis pinned to the wall by a large gargoyle. Alan’s expression of fear changed to anger, and his eyes changed from glowing orange and yellow to black with red pupils. His skin turned to a dark teal-green. His head changed shape and his armor changed structure and material. His body grew in shape and turned muscular. Two large wings shot out of his back. He roared loudly as he charged Harkon, pinning him to the ground again.]
Harkon: GET OFF OF ME, YOU FOOL! I MUST FULFILL THIS PROPHECY! MY DESTINY!
[Alan growled at Harkon, as his claws shot into his back. Harkon screamed out in pain. Alan tore at Harkon’s flesh, pulling it away from his back. Alan jumped and flipped Harkon over, landing on him and pinning him again. He tore at Harkon’s chest, removing his flesh. Chunks of Harkon flew around the room as Alan tore them from his body, armor seemed to be fused to them due to the force of Alan’s power. Alan put his hand to Harkon’s face, then ripped it from his skull. He dropped the face to the side, then put his hands on both sides of his skull, and crushed it. He sat the face of Harkon on a red circle of blood on an alter. Alan calmed down as he transformed back. He fell to the ground and leaned against the alter. The gargoyles disappeared due to the death of Harkon.]
Dexion: What happened?
Garan: You don’t want to know, Dexion. Be grateful you’re blind.
[Alexis walked over and kneeled down next to Alan.]
Alexis: You alright?
Alan: [breathing heavily] Alduin… Miraak… We need to kill them.
[Alan’s body glowed again, and then the glow went away. He still was breathing heavily.]
Alan: Rock aliens unlocked.
Alexis: Rock aliens?
Alan: Diamondhead… Chromastone… Gravattack. Those guys. We need to go.
[The scene changed to outside Castle Volkihar. The two walked out, and a loud roar was heard. The two looked around, and the dragon from earlier landed in front of their path.]
Dragon: Dovahkiin.
Alan: Alduin.
Alduin: I presume that is the only word in our tongue you understand. Such arrogance, to dare take yourself the name of Dovah!
Alan: Waan naangeinro pahlokaal het, niidro dovah tol lorot tol faal Dovah ahrk niist vun los avok pah voz.
Alduin: Nii fund fon dii assumptions lost folaas. Zu'u fund laan hin laat dren kos frolaaz nau dii malur, to Zu'u ulaak mal fah lor ahrk pruvos do joor grik ol hinmaar.
Alan: Frolaaz wouldn't kos ofan ahney ven, nuv fen krongrah. Hin sil won't kos dii, nuz Zu'u fen vuth hi al Vus.
Alduin: Hmm. Los tol ful, Dovahkiin? Hi sukah wah vuth zey voth hin sahlovik zul, ahrk voth hiif do rotmindol sosnaak? Tesiikei. Zu'u fund koraav hi unt.
Alan: Battling hi het nau Vus los meyro ahsod. Nunon grozein ahst vuth hi fund kos nau rinid golt... ko Sovngarde.
Alduin: Onik do hi wah unad grik dren. Wahl hin ven wah Skuldafn, ahrk drus Sovngarde, ahrk mu fent lost un laat grah til.
Alan: Niidro ni un laat grah, Alduin. Niidro hin.
[Alduin flew off.]
Alexis: What the hell was that?
Alan: I’ve been practicing Dovah. Anyways, we need to get to Whiterun. Alduin’s our next target.
[The scene changed to outside a large, wooden castle. The purple and red orbs appeared again as Alan and Alexis showed up. They walked through the front doors of the castle. The scene changed to a large, enclosed area with a small balcony near the end. On the balcony, there was a table and some chairs, and a man standing on the other side, looking out from the balcony. Alan and Alexis walked to the end, and Alan picked up a small orange bottle. He drank the contents then threw the bottle at the man, it passing by his head, just barely missing it. He turned around to see them.]
Alan: Balgruuf… Duuuuuuuude. We’re gonna need some guards… and this whole set up moved.
Balgruuf: What are you talking about?
Alan: Sr pls jst do it pls.
[Balgruuf looked at Alexis.]
Alexis: He’s a bit on the drunken side, but his motives are in the clear. Just go with it.
[A few moments later, guards were stationed above the balcony, and the table was out of the way. Alan stood at the balcony.]
Alan: When this guy comes, lure him inside, do not kill him.
Balgruuf: [to Alexis] What’s he up to?
Alexis: You’ll see.
Alan: OD. AH. VIING!
[A sonic boom shot from Alan’s mouth as he finished shouting. A roar was heard from a distance. A guard ran up in front of Alan and pushed him away from the edge of the balcony.]
Guard: What have you done? What was that noise?
Alan: Three… Two… One.
[A large figure swooped down, taking the guard. Alan looked up, and saw a large, red dragon. The dragon swooped down towards the balcony.]
Dragon: Dovahkiin, here I am!
[Alan ran to the inside part of the balcony as the dragon landed. Alan turned to the dragon.]
Alan: JOOR. ZAH. FRUL.
[Alan’s voice shot at the dragon, blue energy surrounding it. The dragon crawled inside the covered portion of the balcony.]
Alan: Now!
[A large wooden structure fell down on the dragon, and two smaller pieces curved around his neck.]
Dragon: Nid! Horvutah med kodaav. Zok frini grind ko grah drun viiki, Dovahkiin.
Alan: Odahviing, you know why I called you here.
Odahviing: Geh. Yes. You wish to defeat Alduin in Sovngarde. Though, you cannot get there without my help.
Alan: Exactly. One way dragon ride to Skuldafn.
Odahviing: I would help you, Dovahkiin, but as you see, I cannot go anywhere in this… condition.
Alan: Right, right, right. Let him go.
Guard: What?!
Alan: [looks up at guard] You heard me. Both of you pull the chains to let Odahviing free.
[The guards looked across the balcony at one another, then they pulled a chain on either side. The trap came off of Odahviing, who then turned around and crawled to the end of the balcony. Alan began walking to him, but was stopped by Alexis.]
Alexis: Are you sure about this?
Alan: What?
Alexis: You uh… You don’t exactly have a great history with heights… And dragon’s don’t have seatbelts.
[Alan looked at Odahviing, then back to Alexis.]
Alan: Okay, you know what? Fuck you. I was fine before you brought that up.
[Alan and Alexis climbed onto Odahviing’s neck, Alexis in front, and Alan behind, holding onto Alexis with his eyes closed. Odahviing jumped from the balcony and flew off.]
Alexis (voice): You alright back there, bud?
Alan (voice): Fuck you.
[The scene changed to a ruin surrounded by mountains. Odahviing landed at the lowest part. Alan and Alexis got off as he flew off. Alexis turned to Alan.]
Alexis: The amount of times you’ve flown as an alien.
Alan: When I’m alien it feels normal to fly. That [points in Odahviing’s direction] does not feel normal.
[Alexis rolled her eyes. A growl was heard. The two turned to the sound, and a group of undead creatures in armor with glowing blue eyes were seen coming towards them, swords and axes unsheathed, and bows drawn. Alan activated the Simplicitrix, and was transformed into Diamondhead, wearing diamond-like armor.]
Diamondhead: Diamondhead with stalhrim armor.
Alexis: As if you weren’t hard enough already.
[The dragons roared with all their might.]
Diamondhead: We don’t have time for innuendos right now, take care of the undead bitches, I got the dragons!
[Diamondhead’s arms turned into blades and he ran toward the dragons.]
Alexis: With what!? I don’t have a weapon.
Diamondhead: You’ve got plenty! I make Serana pick up a fuckton of shit!
[Alexis looked into her inventory, and then pulled out a large glass sword, glowing blue. Alexis raised it in the air and held it in stance position.]
Alexis: Okay, guess I do…
[Alexis ran toward the draugr and started slashing them one by one. Diamondhead, as made his way towards the dragons, the black one blasted fire out of his mouth. Diamondhead created a shield and the diamonds and stalhrim reflected the fire.]
Diamondhead: Too bad fire can’t burn through diamonds, Bring it on big boy!
[The golden dragon fired ice out of his mouth, it froze around Diamondhead’s shield.]
Diamondhead: Spoke too soon…
[Diamondhead jumped off the ground and started firing shards. The black dragon turned around whipped him with his tail, Diamondhead flew back into the ground and got up. The golden dragon appeared behind him and started breathing ice once more, Diamondhead got up and ran from the ice blast as fast he could.]
Diamondhead: Let’s seal your mouths shut!
[Diamondhead fired a blast of diamonds and it surrounded the golden dragon’s mouth. It broke free, roaring at him. The black dragon, flying in the sky, dashed at him and threw Diamondhead backwards, he fell back in circles a few times then crashed into the ground.]
Diamondhead: This isn’t easy as I’d thought it would be…
[Alexis continued fighting off the remaining draugr, she tried blocking them from hitting her with her sword. Diamondhead looked up at the black dragon.]
Diamondhead: I hope this works… GOL HAH DOV!
[A soundwave shot out of Diamondhead’s mouth and hit the black dragon, who swooped around and landed next to Diamondhead.]
Black Dragon: I am at your service, Dovahkiin.
[Diamondhead climbed up onto the black dragon’s neck, and created a diamond structure around himself and the dragon’s neck to keep him in place. The golden dragon roared its mightiest roar and the two dragons clashed it out with each other, as they soared through the air breathing fire and ice at each other, they dashed at each other. Alexis looks at the clashing as she finished off the last of the draugr, Diamondhead started running off the dragon, he jumped as he uses his hands to create diamonds around the golden dragon’s neck, constricting it. The golden dragon started to have a hard time breathing, and then fainted, crashing into the ground. Slowly as the dragon woke up, barely able to move, it looks up in shock as Diamondhead starts flying toward it. Diamondhead created a giant diamond shard as big as him, he carried it in his arms and flew it onto the golden dragon’s chest and a shockwave blasts through the air. The golden dragon died, Diamondhead turned to the black dragon as it flew down back toward him. The golden dragon’s skin and flesh began burning away. Energy flew out of the golden dragon and into Diamondhead.]
Diamondhead: One soul down…
[The black dragon turned his head at him in confusion, Diamondhead’s arm to a blade as he looked at it. The black dragon started stepping closer. Diamondhead quickly threw the shard he used to kill the golden dragon at the black dragon, it landed on the right side of his chest, and it started to bleed out.]
Diamondhead: One to-
[A loud boom was heard.]
Diamondhead: Fuck.
[A strange energy appeared near the dragon, and a person in black robes appeared. He was wearing a strange golden mask.]
Diamondhead: Miraak, you little bitch.
Miraak: Not this time, Dragonborn. This one’s mine.
[The dragon’s soul began leaving its body, and instead of going to Diamondhead, it went to Miraak. Diamondhead angrily attempted to attack Miraak, only to go straight through him.]
Miraak: Thank you for your help. We will meet again soon.
[Miraak then disappeared with another boom. Diamondhead angrily punched away the dragon’s skeleton, then jumped up to Alexis. He grabbed her, then jumped up to the top of the ruin. There was a large, circular portal on the ground, and in front of it was a humanoid figure, floating there. Diamondhead shot a shard at him, hitting him in the head, knocking his mask off, and his body turned to dust. Diamondhead transformed back as he picked up the mask.]
Alan: After this, we take care of that little bitch, Miraak. For now, to Sovngarde.
[The two jumped into the portal. The scene changed to a mist filled valley surrounded by mountains.]
Alexis: It’s even more beautiful in person.
Alan: Weren’t you complaining about me constantly playing it earlier?
Alexis: Shut up. You know I love this game too.
[Alan looked around.]
Alan: We’re gonna need to clear this place. LOK VAH KOOR!
[Alan’s voice broke through the mist, allowing them to walk through.]
Alan: I don’t feel like dealing with Tsun this time around. I’m just gonna get Alduin’s attention with an alien.
Alexis: Do you even have the right guy unlocked right now that can do that?
Alan: Yep. Unlocked him when I unlocked strength aliens.
[Alan activated the Simplicitrix, and was transformed into Way Big, wearing steel armor.]
Way Big: Alduin! Face me!
[Alduin’s roar was heard, and he flew out from behind a gigantic longhouse. He flew up to Way Big’s face.]
Alduin: You have changed your form yet again, Dovahkiin.
Way Big: No talk.
[Way Big swatted at Alduin, causing him to crash into a nearby mountain.]
Way Big: We’ve done enough of that.
[Way Big put put his arms in an X-formation, crossing at the wrists. He aimed at Alduin, and shot a blast of red energy out at him. Alduin’s scream was heard, and Way Big stopped the energy. Alduin was seen lying lifeless, as his body disintegrated. The sky lit up, and Sovngarde changed from a dark blue to a light green. Way Big transformed back as a muscular man approached them. Alan turned to him.]
Alan: Tsun.
Tsun: Dragonborn. You have saved Sovngarde and Nirn from Alduin’s wrath. Do you wish to return to Nirn?
Alan: Indeed. I have some business to finish.
Tsun: In that case… NAHL DAL VUS!
[Tsun’s voice blasted Alan and Alexis, sending them back to Nirn. They reappeared on the top of a mountain, where many dragons were flying around. Odahviing was seen to the side.]
Alan: Great, the dragon orgy. We don’t have time for this. We need to get to Solstheim.
[Alan and Alexis disappeared in purple and red orbs. They reappeared at the docks outside a dreary city. The ground was covered in ash. Alan pulled out a giant black book with a strange design on it.]
Alan: You ready for this?
Alexis: Not really.
Alan: Good enough.
[Alan opened up the book. Tentacles came out of the book and wrapped around the duo. Everything went black. The duo then appeared in a strange green and grey world, with structures made of books. Underneath the platform they stood on was a strange black liquid. Alan’s body began glowing again.]
Alexis: What are you doing?
Alan: I’ve been two aliens since my last perk choice. Meaning…
[Alan’s body stopped glowing.]
Alan: I had enough to get to Upgrade.
Alexis: Then why are we still here?
Alan: Cause I need to finish off Miraak… And Upgrade will be the best way to do it.
[Alan activated the Simplicitrix and transformed into Upgrade. He turned to two tentacle covered creatures, and shot his arms at both of them, destroying them once merged. His hands then merged with the wall behind them, obtaining the Word of Power. He then looked up, and extended his arm into the air, and grabbed hold of the tail of a dragon circling above them. His hand merged with the tail, and he pulled the dragon closer, merging with the rest of it. Alexis then climbed on top of him, and he took off.]
Upgrade: “Climbed on top of him.” Top tier writing, me! They’re gonna think this is a sex scene!
Alexis: Who the fuck are you talking to?
Upgrade: Nevermind.
[Upgrade circled a large tower, and other dragons were seen flying. Upgrade shot two arms out of his body, grabbing onto the other dragons, and forcing their souls into his own body. Upgrade then looked down at the top of the tower, where Miraak was standing. Upgrade landed in front of him, and unmerged from the dragon, taking his soul with him. Alexis hopped off and stood next to Upgrade.]
Upgrade: What’s up, you lil bitch?
Miraak: The first Dragonborn meets the last Dragonborn on the summit of Apocrypha. No doubt just as Hermaeus Mora intended. He is a fickle master, you know.
Upgrade: No, I don’t know.
Miraak: But now I will be free of him. My time in Apocrypha is over. You are here in your full power, and thus subject to my full power. You will die. And with the power of your soul, I will return to Solstheim and be master of my own fate once again.
Upgrade: Yeah… I don’t think so.
[Just as Miraak was preparing to attack, Upgrade merged with him. Miraak grunted and groaned as Upgrade took control of his body. Upgrade cracked his neck once done.]
Upgrade: Merging with living things is so weird feeling.
[Suddenly, dark spots began appearing in the sky, tentacles coming out of them. There was a pool of sludge behind Upgrade-Miraak. A tentacle shot out of the pool and through him.]
Echoey Voice: Did you really think you could escape me, Miraak? You can hide nothing from me here!
[Several of the spots had eyes open up in them. Part of Upgrade’s body merged with the tentacle, and destroyed it. He merged back fully with Miraak and healed the wound.]
Upgrade-Miraak: I don’t think so, Herma Mora. Miraak is my follower, now.
Hermaeus Mora: Is that what you truly believe?
[Suddenly, several large, black, humanoid creatures with fish-like heads spawned around Alexis and Upgrade-Miraak. Upgrade-Miraak shot several limbs at the creatures, merging with them, and then destroying them. His limbs retracted as he looked up at Hermaeus Mora.]
Hermaeus Mora: Very well. Take Miraak. However, be warned. Many have thought as you do. I have broken them all. You shall not evade me forever.
[Hermaeus Mora disappeared. Upgrade unmerged from Miraak, and then turned to him.]
Upgrade: Follow me, I need your help.
Miraak: Not yet. In order to subdue this chaotic world, to set things right, I must return to this realm in full. And in any case, you have someone with you already.
Upgrade: Fine, fine, fine. Let me know when your preparations are finished.
[Miraak disappeared in an explosion of black tentacles. Words appeared in front of Alan and Alexis, reading “COMPLETED: AT THE SUMMIT OF APOCRYPHA.” A small dome emerged from the pool of sludge, and in it was a large book. The book opened, and the pages had three circles and many strange symbols. Upgrade merged with the book, turning the symbols to circuits and the circles to Simplicitrixes.]
Upgrade: Ready to return to our Nirn?
Alexis: I’ve been ready.
[A red flash shot out of the book and surrounded the two. Back inside Alan’s room, the Xbox changed to Upgrade’s pattern, then Upgrade demerged from it. He returned to his humanoid state and opened his arms, Alexis stepping away from him. Upgrade transformed back, and the two looked at each other and themselves.]
Alan: Back to the real world. I was enjoying myself.
Alexis: When you can use Upgrade to be the god of the game, I bet you were.
[The two walked out of the room, only to see their friends lying on the ground. Alan ran over to Jessica while Alexis tried to wake up Mason and Devin. The three groaned as they woke up.]
Mason: Ugh… Where were you guys?
Alexis: Skyrim. Long story. What happened?
Jessica: [coughs] It was Richard.
[Alan and Alexis looked at each other, Alexis’ eyes filled with fear, and Alan’s with hatred and anger. He then helped Jessica up, while Alexis helped Devin up.]
Devin: I don’t know what he wanted. I caught him as Nanomech…
Jessica: And he defeated us with Chromastone.
[Alan turned and walked away a little bit.]
Alexis: Alan… What are you-
[Alan threw a vase off of a table near the wall.]
Alan: Motherfucker!
Alexis: Alan, calm do-
Alan: Don’t you fucking dare tell me to calm down! Instead, whenever we next see that Ramses fuck, tell me to rip every bit of him apart! If he wants to get personal, if he wants to go too far… I can get personal, and I can sure as fuck go too far.
[The group went silent while looking at Alan. Devin turned to Jessica.]
Devin: Chromastone?
[The group turned to Devin.]
Devin: You've seen that alien before?
Jessica: Only enough to know Alan's name for him.
[Devin turned to Alan, and floated towards him.]
Devin: Have you been practicing your aliens without telling us about them?
Alan: What? What are you talking about?
Devin: We might have been able to stop him had we known what Chromastone's powers were!
Mason: Devin, calm down.
Devin: Calm down?! Richard could've killed us! If we knew what he could do, we wouldn't have been beaten!
[There was a red flash behind Devin, who turned around. Another red flash occurred, and then Devin was pinned to the ground by Ultimate Spidermonkey.]
Devin: What are you doing?!
Ultimate Spidermonkey: Showing you that Richard could still have beaten you. Even if you did know what he could do, he could have still beaten you. And if he was Chromastone, you'd both be useless against him, anyways.
[Ultimate Spidermonkey helped Devin back up, then transformed back to human.]
Alan: But... you do have a point. You guys need to know your advantages and disadvantages against my aliens, what with Richard having all of them. If you guys are up for it... You can be involved in the training as well.
Devin: If it gives us an advantage against the ones we haven't seen, definitely.
[Alan smirked. The scene changed to Richard's warehouse, where he was reading a note. He sipped on a drink.]
Richard: "Hope the tip off for Alan's video game helped out. In case the sinful plan goes awry, you'll have backup now. -A" [sips drink] Clever idea, A. Use brother's strength against him. One day, perhaps. One day.
Major Events
- The characters from Skyrim make their debut.
- Chromastone makes his debut, albeit negative.
Characters
- Alan Nomaly/Dovahkiin
- Alexis Dwyer/Serana
- Jessica Nietzsche
- Devin Lorenzo
- Mason Babadzhanov
Neutral
- Jarl Balgruuf the Greater (debut, cameo)
- Odahviing (debut)
- Dexion Evicus (debut, cameo)
- Garan Marethi (debut, cameo)
- Hermaeus Mora (debut, cameo)
- Guards (debut, cameo)
- Tsun (debut, cameo)
Villains
- Lord Harkon (debut, death)
- Alduin (debut, death)
- Miraak (debut)
- Richard Nomaly
- Dwarven Spiders (death, cameo)
- Dwarven Spheres (death, cameo)
- Dwarven Centurion (death, cameo)
- Draugr (death, cameo)
- Dragons (death, cameo)
- Seekers (death, cameo)
- Lurkers (death, cameo)
- Sahrotaar (debut, death, cameo)
- Kruziikrel (debut, death, cameo)
- Relonikiv (debut, death, cameo)
Aliens Used
By Alan
- Fasttrack
- Upgrade (2x)
- Rath
- Diamondhead
- Way Big
- Spidermonkey (offscreen cameo)
- Ultimate Spidermonkey
By Richard
- Negative Nanomech
- Negative Chromastone
- Negative Fasttrack (cameo)
Allusions
- Upgrade directly references It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
- The song Alan was singing in the Bannered Mare was the first verse of the theme song of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
- The way Alan drinks from a mead bottle then throws it on the ground parallels the way Aquaman does it in the Justice League movie.
- The way Alan transforms into his vampire form is similar to that of Bruce Banner transforming into the Hulk.
Fourth Wall Breaks
- Upgrade breaks the fourth wall when Alexis says they aren’t coding.
- Upgrade breaks the fourth wall to criticize the wording of Alexis riding the dragon he’s merged with, implying it can be seen as sexual.
- Alan breaks the fourth wall when calling Richard “Ramses,” as his voice actor is Ralph Fiennes, who voiced Ramses in The Prince of Egypt.
Shouts Used
- Call Dragon - OD AH VIING
- Dragonrend - JOOR ZAH FRUL
- Bend Will - GOL HAH DOV
- Clear Skies - LOK VAH KOR
Dovah Translations
- The title of the episode translates to “The Dragonborn Comes.”
- When Alduin is spying on Alan and Alexis, what he says is:
- His shape has changed since our former encounter. As has the vampire’s. Interesting indeed.
- When Alduin and Alan are talking with each other, their conversation is as follows:
- Alan: If anyone's arrogant here, it's the dragon that think that the Dragons and their tongue are above all else.
- Alduin: It would seem my assumption was wrong. I would want your last action to be forgiveness on my part, though I care little for thought and feelings of a mortal such as yourself.
- Alan: Forgiveness wouldn't be given either way, nor will victory. Your soul won't be mine, but I will stop you from destroying Nirn.
- Alduin: Hmm. Is that so, Dragonborn? You intend to stop me with your feeble voice, and with help of puny vampire? Humorous. I would like to see you try.
- Alan: Battling you here on Nirn is a fool's errand. The only chance at stopping you would be on equal ground... in Sovngarde.
- Alduin: Wise of you to choose such an action. Make your way to Skuldafn, and thus Sovngarde, and we shall has our last battle there.
- Alan: It’s not our last battle, Alduin. It’s yours.
- When Odahviing is trapped, what he says is:
- No! Trapped like a bear. My most eagerness to meet you in battle has brought my defeat, Dragonborn.
Trivia
- While in the game, Alan is referred to as Dovahkiin, and Alexis is referred to as Serana, as those are the roles they’ve been put into when brought into the game.
- The plot of this episode is similar to that of Game Over from Ben 10.
- This is the first, and so far only, episode to have Alan transform into a creature not within the Simplicitrix, and to have him transform without using the Simplicitrix at all, as his vampire form was part of the game.
- For the entirety of the episode, Alan and Alexis have orange-yellow eyes, due to the vampiric nature of Alan’s Dovahkiin profile and Serana.
- Alan is confirmed to have a fear of heights. However, he also is revealed to not be afraid of heights when he himself is flying in an alien form.
- This is the first episode to show Upgrade merge with things that aren’t necessarily mechanical, merging with Miraak, Miraak’s dragons, the book to return to Nirn, lurkers, seekers, and the Word Wall. However, they are technically mechanical/digital as they are coding in the game.